Paul Mecurio

The E-Coli bacteria quietly lives in the intestines of humans and animals and with great regularity seems to flair up. It can be found in a whole host of foods and cause severe illness in thousands of people if those foods are not properly washed and handled.

I don't know how to break this to you E-coli but, you're not well-liked. You're the Bush Administration of the bacteria world. The two of you have a lot in common -- you're both sneaky and deadly. The only difference is you definitely have an exit strategy. And America has decided we want to wash our hands of both of you.

Now, as a disease, you're smarter than Mad Cow, more feared than scoliosis, less embarrassing than gonorrhea or herpes ... But let's face it -- you're no Lou Gehrig's Disease.

You're small but infectious. Like Prince. Or North Korean President Kim Jong Il.

You have an image as a low-rent, white trash virus. But I can makeover that image. In fact, when I'm through with your image, you will work your way through the metaphorical intestine that is America itself and explode all over it.

First, all the news stories make you sound like the bad guy. We need to spin this. Instead of a headline reading ...

"E-COLI OUTBREAK KILLS TWELVE PEOPLE" it'll say ...

"THANKS TO E-COLI TWELVE FEWER CARS AHEAD OF YOU IN TRAFFIC THIS MORNING."

People need to understand there's an upside to throwing up and explosive diarrhea ... you get to stay home from work and watch Oprah. We'll book you on Oprah. She's always giving something to the audience, why not you? "YOU get E-Coli ... YOU get E-Coli ... You Get E-Coli!" You'll get to cry and jump up and down on her colon.

We'll soften your image, get you a mascot, like a cuddly Teddy Bear. "Does a Bear crap in the woods? He does if he has E-Coli." And as always, what's the rule? ... Have your picture taken with Kitties. Kitties make everything better.

The very sound of your name is negative, we need people SINGING your name. Thanks to Ricola commercials, nobody just says "Ricola" anymore. I see a guy wearing lederhosen, in the Swiss Alps. Yodeling: "Eee-co-li!"

Do a children's special where you explain that people and E Coli have to learn to share the world's intestinal tracts if we're all going to get along. We'll call it, "You Have Kidney Failure Charlie Brown!"

Now, Governor Schwarzenegger owes me some favors. You were recently found in his state, so we'll get him to change the name of it to

CO-LI-fornia. That's pretty much how he pronounces it anyway.

The most important thing ... we have to hook you up with the A-list crowd, why should bulimia and anorexia be the only ones at Hollywood parties. All we need is Nicole Ritchie to give up sticking her finger down her throat for some creamed spinach and we're on our way.

Let's remember you cause severe weight loss ... HELLLOOO ... this is a silver lining ... sounds like a new Hollywood fad diet to me!! ...

"... E-Coli! What doesn't kill ‘Ya Makes you Thinner."

"... Oooh, have you seen how thin Angelina is? I hear she caught the E!"

You need to be linked to someone cool. Cancer wasn't a household name until they linked it to something hip like smoking. Paris Hilton is available, I'm sure she's open to new bacteria.

You've gotta be seen at all the right places, the hottest night clubs and courtside at Lakers games. Fast food chains are NOT hip. While you were infecting 11 restaurants in Jersey you missed the scene at the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding.

Instead of that 3-minute kiss between Tom and Katie, E-Coli could have been the reason people were throwing up!

Next, we paint you as patriotic. We slip you into Afghanistan, where you taint Osama Bin Laden's falafel. Because the complete and utter annihilation of Western Civilization is a little low priority when you have a tummy ache.

And you need a sports figure attached to you. Cancer has Lance Armstrong. Why don't you snap up Michelle Wie before Bird Flu does.

Of course any disease worth it's weight, has its own fund-raiser, this labor day we'll hold the first annual "Mind-Numbingly Painful Abdominal Cramps Telethon." Nick Nolte will host it, because he looks like he has everything.

Ed MacMahon will be his sidekick. We'll get one of those mini cameras doctors put inside people and shoot the whole telethon from Ed's small intestine. Believe me, it can hold a lot of guests. I've been booked there myself.

And of course the telethon will have it's own closing song, ... "You'll Never Walk to the Toilet Alone."