Paul Mecurio

President Bush has one of the lowest approval ratings in history. There's not much I can do to improve his image, but Bush's grim reality brings to mind that there are many Presidents throughout history with low approval ratings and I thought I'd make over the images of some of those Chief Executives.

Take Thomas Jefferson, now Mr. Jefferson, your image as a brilliant founding father has been tarnished for having sex with women you owned. Today women run FOR President whereas in your day they ran FROM one.

We can spin this positive, you weren't a misogynist ... you were a TRUE pioneer by starring in the very first dramedy, called "Desperate House Slaves."

By the way, what did you say to your partner when you had sex? "Who's your owner? Who's your owner?"

Let's remind people that in addition to being President, you were also a scientist and a naturalist. I believe you once made a notation in your journal that said, "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice."

Jefferson's Vice President, Aaron Burr, you're a tough case. You shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel. We can spin that, you shot a man who insulted your honor ... unlike certain "OTHER" Vice Presidents who shot a man thinking he was a quail.

Ulysses S. Grant - you were a brilliant Civil War General but as President ... well ... what can be said about you that hasn't already been said in AA. You were such a drunk, even your legacy has cirrhosis.

Who's buried in Grant's tomb? ... Your reputation ... And some bottles that need to be returned.

But we can spin you. Sure, your top aides stole over $3 million dollars, but you were able to pull that off with no highways to pave, waste to dispose of or Italians to pay off.

Gerald Ford, you're known as a klutz. No big deal, your image is salvaged by your wife Betty, who's helped millions through the Betty Ford Center. She's shown countless addicts their lives are not so bad ... "You robbed your grandmother to buy drugs? My husband pardoned Nixon." "You got high and shot a priest? ... My husband pardoned Nixon." "You pimped your daughter to pay for your crack ... my husband gave Chevy Chase a career."

Richard Nixon, with you, the first thing that comes to mind is those pesky tapes ... ... That and sweating like a thirsty baboon. But what people don't realize is, in making those tapes, you were doing the country a service by taping over "The Osmonds."

As far as Watergate goes, that's easy to spin. Really, all you did was secretly record other people's conversations and then cover it up. Hell, under the "Patriot Act," Bush does that during lunch.

Ronald Reagan, first of all, thanks for breaking up the Soviet Union. That makes you the Angelina Jolie of world history.

Now, you weren't a doddering old fool who tripled the national debt and fed the Constitution to the shredder. No, you were the first person to defeat Alzheimer's by giving it nothing to do when it showed up.

FDR, he had a great image-no work needs to be done there-quick side note, he drank 8 martinis a day, which explains why you never saw him standing up.

As an aside, Ben Franklin wasn't President, but he should have been. He wasn't just a founding father, diplomat and scientist. He was America's first cokehead. In fact, the reason our flag is red, white and blue is those were the colors his nose went through on a daily basis.

Why do you think he's on the hundred dollar bill?

Franklin also wrote a significant book called "Notes to a Young Man on Choosing a Mistress." I haven't read it, but I believe it starts out ...

"Dear Poor Richard's Almanac, I never thought I'd be writing a letter like this ..."

Of course, the two greatest Presidents have to be Washington and Lincoln.

Now Lincoln, you were hard-working, depressed, and married to a crazy wife. I don't just worship Abraham Lincoln. I AM Abraham Lincoln.

Abe, I'll make your great image better - by losing some things that aren't working for you. Lincoln, Nebraska - don't need it. Lincoln Logs, choking hazard. And let's get you off the penny. The man who kept the Union together should not be on the only money we give away free in a plastic dish at 7-11.

George Washington, you're a great, great President, but you have a bit of an image problem. People don't know you married Martha for her money and her 70,000 acres of land. You're not the father of our country. You're John Kerry.

George, your image needs to be toned down. You're overexposed -- you're on Mt. Rushmore, you're a state, a city, a Sweat Hog in "Welcome Back Kotter." You're the father of our country, we get it! Back Off!

The Washington Monument. Now there's a subtle piece of phallus. I'm surprised we don't shoot fireworks out the top of it on the Fourth of July. If you were the mother of our country I guess we would have had to build you a cavernous tunnel.

Your image needs a rest, Mr. Washington. So we'll replace you for a while with another George - singer George Michael. He knows all about the American Revolution. When he and his friend were caught in that public restroom, they were shouting, "The British are coming, the British are coming!"

Finally, you can't talk about Presidents and image without mentioning JFK, or as I like to call him, Thomas Jefferson with white women. He was "THE" image President. Sure, his image has been tainted by his womanizing, but remember that Kennedy gave this country hope with his support of the space program. Yup, he made us believe ANYTHING was possible ... including an astronaut driving 900 miles in a diaper to beat up a woman.